How To Read More Books In Five Easy Steps

You, after reading more books.

Thousands of people write to me each day asking how they can read more books. It seems that the sheer desire to read more is not enough for most people. These miserable souls require a little extra kick in the pants, so I have taken mercy on them. Here are five easy steps you can take right now to read more books:

  1. Learn to read. This may seem obvious but you’d be surprised how many forget this critical step. So if this sentence appears to you as incomprehensible markings, reading more books will prove rather difficult. You must get “back to basics,” as the late John Major once said.
  2. Divorce your husbands and wives, turf your boyfriends, girlfriends and “partners,” disown your children, and sever ties with all other family and friends. Yes, even the “barista” who winks at you each morning must go. Better yet, fake your death. The less time you spend around others, the more time you will have to read.
  3. Destroy your cellphone, or at least turn it off and hide it in the sock drawer. If you’ve followed step two successfully, you won’t miss anything important, anyway.
  4. Aquire some books. This is quite easy to do now that we can print books instead of relying on monks to copy them out for us. Books can be found in stores, on the internet, in libraries, and as decorative objects in people’s homes. Books can be bought with money or borrowed from the library if you have a special card. (I’m told they just hand these things out to anyone who asks. They are very discreet about it.) If worst comes to worst, you can always steal books.
  5. The subject of robbery brings me to the final step: go to prison. This is certainly a drastic step and, in most cases, is not necessary, but if you find yourself unable to renounce your loved ones or go to the library, going to prison may be the best option. While in prison, you will have lots of free time. When the alternative to boredom and insanity is reading, one will naturally gravitate to the latter. The trouble with prison is that, odds are, you will eventually be released. Lucky for you, the odds of recidivism are high, so if you do get out, you will not be away from your books for long.

So there we have it. Now, get off my website and into prison!

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